Dov is a Jewish actor, unemployed, and so down and out that he's ready to settle for any acting gig that he can find. Finally he gets a lead, a classified ad that says: "Actor needed to play ape." "I could do that, " says Dov.  To his surprise, the employer turns out to be the local zoo. Owing to mismanagement, the zoo has spent so much money renovating the grounds and improving the habitat, that they can no longer afford to import the ape they need to replace their recently deceased one. So until they can, they'll put an actor in an ape suit. Out of desperation, Dov accepts the offer. At first, his conscience keeps nagging him, that he is being dishonest by fooling the zoo-goers. And Dov feels undignified in the ape-suit, stared at by crowds who watch his every move. But after a few days on the job, he begins to be amused by all the attention, and starts to put on a show for the zoo-goers: hanging upside-down from the branches by his legs, swinging about on the vines, climbing up the cage walls, roaring with all his might whilst beating his chest. Soon, he's drawing a sizable crowd.  One day, when Dov is swinging on the vines to show off to a group of school kids, his hand slips, and he goes flying over the fence into the neighboring cage, the lion's den. Terrified, Dov backs up as far from the approaching lion as he can, covers his eyes with his paws, and prays at the top of his lungs, "Shma Yisrael Ado-nai Elokeinu Ad-nai echad!" The lion opens its powerful jaws and roars, "Baruch shem k'vod malchuto l'olam va'ed!"  "Shut up, you schmucks," a black bear mutters from a third enclosure. "You'll get us all fired!"


A woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Chanukah cards. "What denomination?" asked the clerk. "Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?" replied the woman.  "Well, give me 50 Conservative, 2 Orthodox, and 37 Reform ones."


David received a parrot for his birthday. This parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude. David tried hard to change the bird's attitude  and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything that came to mind. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird, the bird got worse. He shook the bird and the bird got madder and ruder.   Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, all was quiet. David was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said: "I'm sorry that I offended you with my language and actions. I ask for your forgiveness. I will try to check my behavior..."   David was astounded at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what changed him when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?"


Tommy goes into a confessional box and says, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned; I have been with a loose woman". The Priest says, "Is that you, Tommy?" "Yes father, it's me." "Who was the woman you were with?"
"I cannot tell you, Father, because I don't want to ruin her reputation." The priest asks, "Was it Brenda  O'Malley?" "No, Father." "Was it Fiona MacDonald?" "No." "Was it Ann Brown?" "No." "Was it Mary Elizabeth O'Shea?" "No, Father." "Was it Amy Thomas?" "No, Father." "Was it little Cathy Morgan?" "NO, Father! I cannot tell you." The priest finally says, "Tommy, I admire your perseverance, but you must atone for your sins. Your penance will be four Our Fathers and five Hail Marys. Go back to your seat." Tommy walks back to his pew and his buddy, Sean, slides over and whispers, "What happened?" "Well, I got four Our Fathers, five Hail Marys and six good leads."


A duck walks into a feed store and asks, "Got any duck feed?" The clerk tells him, "No, we don't have a market for it so we don't carry it." The duck says, "Okay" and leaves. The next day, the duck walks in to the feed store and asks, "Got any duck feed?" Again the clerk says no and the duck leaves. Next day, the duck walks in, and asks, "Got any duck feed?" The clerk says, "I've told you twice, we don't have duck feed, we've never had duck feed and we never will have duck feed. If you ask me again, I'll nail your feet to the floor!" The duck leaves. The next day, the duck walks in and asks, "Got any nails?" "No." "Got any duck feed?"


A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but, amazingly, neither of the clerics is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days." The priest replies, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God." The rabbi continues, "And look at this. Here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then he hands the bottle to the priest. The priest agrees, takes a few big swigs, and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap on, and hands the bottle back to the priest. The priest asks, "Aren't you having any?" The rabbi replies, "No . . . I think I'll wait for the police."


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This site was last updated 05/14/06