02/01/07

Biographical Sketch and Research Interests

Dr. Porter, once a noted phrenologist and expert in ancient Phoenician punctuation and misspellings, is currently on the faculty of a highly rated correspondence school specializing in modern after-school television.  His doctoral dissertation dealt with the epistemological and ontological basis for the bacon double cheeseburger (BDC).

It is his thesis that there is in fact no bacon in the BDC, that the two meat patties are merely a single burger sliced thin-wise, and that the cheese is at least 50% nondairy solids, making the BDC in reality a nonbacon single semicheeseburger (NSS).  His research pursued the BDC/NSS dichotomy to its sources, which he has shown involve the Walt Disney Corporation, the silent "g" in the word "diaphragm", and a smallmouth bass named Geraldo inhabiting a modern split-level apartment in Sheboygan. 

Dr. Porter currently resides in a lavishly decorated packing crate behind a big rock with some stuff on it. He speaks Latin as if it were a 2,500-year-old dead Romance language and he were a nearsighted squirrel named Bebo.  He likes to mumble, frequently makes slurring references to Ken Griffey Jr., and has never been able to pronounce the word "weasel" without giggling. He is happily married nearly all of the time.

Dr. Porter is pictured here with his wife and two ancient Greek tennis players, one of whom is obviously into bondage. Dr. Porter is the one enjoying a cheeseburger in the packing crate behind the rock.